I know that at the moment I am writing to the abys, staring into a black world of empty space with no one around me, I am not expecting 100's and 100's of page views, nor am I expecting anyone reading this to feel sorry for me, but at this moment of time all I want to do is scream at it, scream at it until someone comes out of the darkness, puts their arm around me and tells me everything will be ok.
Yesterday I had a blip, I was doing very, very well with regards to dieting, eating the following:
Breakfast: Semi Skimmed Milk (HEXA) and 2 x wheetabix (HEXB) with a banana
Lunch: homemade slow cooked soup with leek, onion, carrot, tomato and sweet potato
Snacks: a pineapple pot and an apple
Syns: none.
I'd had no syns, been healthy, felt ok all day and felt full, I had looked over my diary in the afternoon before going home and thinking that I needed to make sure I had plenty of S foods in my dinner.
Then I got a call - an old colleague at work asked to meet me for a drink, having worked for my old company for 5 years and leaving on bad terms, I knew I had to go to see what was up.
I met with my old boss & others, a fresh glass of glistening white wine was waiting for me at the bar, and without asking I drank 2 glasses. (12 syns each) - I asked for soda but was given wine (they know the old me too well, I can't say no to a glass of wine.)
I felt this was ok, I was tipsy becauase I hadn't eaten but felt fine, so after this encounter I wondered home through the bustling London Station and onto my train home.
I always feel that when I have a drink I must eat something before getting home to avoid the questionable glance from my fiancé, joking I'd been drinking much more than I'd been letting on and proceeding to poke fun at me (completely in jest,I laugh too, but I wasn't in the mood for that this evening)
I withdrew £10, went to my favourite takeaway food and queued, I had Slimming World bells ringing in my head and decided to step away. First hurdle.
I hurried towards my train, all the bells and alarms dinging as I walked, I saw am empty queue at my favourite coffee house, just outside my platform. Oh no.
I didn't need to ask, the guy looked at me and said, what coffee could I get you - my head was thinking caramel lattee with skimmed milk but my mouth said water - Phew. Second hurdle.
I jumped onto the train with seconds to spare, enjoyed my journey home talking to my mum and my pregnant sister, her telling me the silly things she's missing since finding out she was having a baby, my mum chittering away about her upcoming holiday to Clacton.
I started heading down towards my home, a usual 30 minute walk which I make daily, rain or shine. Usually I have Mr Marston there to greet me and walk me home, tonight was a little later and he was snuggled up in home with our cats, (we have three) I made the start to walk home before being tempted into the nearest chip shop and purchasing a greasy portion of chips.
I fell at the third hurdle. So in my slightly tipsy state. I thought screw it.
I ate the chips, I arrived home to no questions from Mr Marston, I settled into watching the 8pm TV show and, before I knew it, my gorgeous fiancé appeared with two slices of toast laden with peanut butter. I didn't tell him about the chips, I didn't tell him I was hungry. He was just being a complete gentleman.
I should've said no, but I didn't. I ate the toast and had a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter afterwards. Needless to stay I felt sick.
Why am I telling my empty cyber space this? This is my scream, this is my vent to let all the dirty secrets out into the darkness, so I can beat myself to a pulp, pick myself up and continue down this journey.
Why do I continuously ruin my diet?
Why can I not see my goals?
Why do I continously beat myself up every time I fail?
Why can I not loose what little weight I have to loose (let's face it, I want to loose 1.5stone, I have no where near as much as some ladies do on this diet)
So, this morning I come in with a bit of a fresh mind, I ate a coissant this morning for breakfast (9) but doubled this so I don't eat any further syns throught this friday. I've decided not to have my HEXB to accomodate the coissant and instead my menu today looks a little like this:
Breakfast: a banana, a tub of pineapple and a tea
Lunch: Soup (same as yesterday)
Dinner: undecided, probably a steak with Salad (all 0 syns)
I need to plan more, I need to get out my pit and get on with what I'm here to do - loose weight and tell the world about it.
It's not easy, but I'll get on with it.
Ciao, Love Lauren.
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